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Romancing the fone

I finally did it – changed my fone. The ole Nokia clamshell had served me well these two years but it, like the owner, was showing obvious signs of age. Its battery like mine, wasn’t holding the charge like it used to and the headphone connection was getting increasingly cranky much like The Other Half (but that’s a whole other story).

So I went to a Starhub shop in Toa Payoh for a look-see and to my eternal surprise, found a salesman who actually spoke English not some techno-phone (where-the-fuck-have-you-been-all-these-years) babble.

Leopards in Singapore?

Back in school, we studied the early history of Singapore and the wildlife that once walked this island.

The most impressive beast by far was the Sumatra Tiger. Then there are the hordes of moneys that are still around, lots of snakes, the odd civet cat and the occasional scaly anteater.

Growing up in Bukit Timah right smack in the nature reserve, we always had our fair share of wildlife encounters – a baby python curled up on a chair, monkeys raiding our rambutan tress when they were in season and every now and then I would spy a black cobra what lived in a pandan bush. But I never knew Singapore was once home to leopards.

And the bells toll

There is something quite … well surreal I guess would be the word … about weddings. Even those that start at the unGodly hour of 9am on a Saturday morning when the rest of the world is allowed to sleep in.

That was how I spent this morning – in church bearing witness to an ancient rite of passage for a guy I’ve known all his life.

From his birth as a “blue baby” with a possible hole in the heart complication which thankfully didn’t materialise, to a  very happy child with – at least to me – was a very large head!

While I’ve watched him grow up – and I’m sure I’ve changed a nappy or two of his – in many ways, he will also be that quite kid, always in the background, perfectly behaved.

Got the message?

TOH sent me this email a few days ago … the message is well …less than subtle …

BEFORE MARRIAGE

AFTER MARRIAGE

AFTER DIVORCE

The guilty mind (which is inherent in every red-blooded male of the species) tells me that I’ve probably done many things to deserve this little “reminder” … but just can’t help wondering which little secret she’s on to …

One Woman, 10,000 pairs of shoes … go figure!

I know I really shouldn’t go here and it will inevitably be an exercise in futility that could very well end with a flaming Molotov tampon hurled in my direction. But I just don’t get it and possibly never will understand women and their fascination with shoes. (The picture on the left is a small part of what must surely now be a world record of shoes)

TOH has got enough to shoe every person in a small third world country and the collection only keeps growing. I know women want to look nice and coordinated and the male of the species would certainly want them to. Guys will own one (maybe two as a spare) pairs of black shoes and that goes with just about everything in his limited wardrobe.

Acting on instinct

You’re stupid enough to climb over a fence, wade across a moat, get into an enclosure with the largest livings cats on the face of the earth and now you’re dead!

Serves you right you fuckin’ idiot.

If you want to kill yourself there are many ways to do it. If you wanna grab your 15 minutes of fame in the process, well then, you should be happy. You made the front page of many newspapers and you upset some Big Cats who were just acting on instinct.

The Other Half

I wonder who was the guy who coined this phrase. Bet you it wasn’t a guy at all. Sounds that a female hand behind it.

Why does one refer to a woman you are involved in or worse still married to, suddenly become TOH. Weren’t you whole before?

Now the phrase “the ole ball and chain” – yup that’s one I can identify with. Hook up with a woman and freedom goes out the window. Hey maybe that explains the former phrase … you can’t make a decision without getting TOH involved (read permission).

How quickly the blissful days of courting ends with a ring which soon turns into a yoke men must wear. How quickly the soft seductive cooing “whatever you want dear” turns into “and who told you could you think?”

Maybe The Other Half ain’t all that far removed from the truth after all.

A Date with The Tree

It’s the 15th of November and in my family (okay it’s really just me), this is the sacred date for the big Christmas ritual of putting up the tree.

The Nov 15 rite started back in 1995 when I moved out on my own and had a four-room flat all to myself. I bought the biggest tree I could find – a seven-footer and decorated it – make that over-decorated it. I had always wanted my own tree and trimming it my way. So that was fun.

Since then, Nov 15 was has been decreed as Tree Day. I remember growing up with had this white tree. It was so old, many of the tinsel “leaves” had fallen, the decorations were positively ancient and we had to spread “angel hair” white fiberglass-like cotton-wool like veil over the tree to give it a look of snow. You don’t see that anymore (I’m the one being carried at the back in this 1964 picture).

In later years, the magic of the tree still remains even though it’s now a source of tension. Blame that on the cats.

Happiness is a warm gun …

Like most kids, I was totally fascinated with guns. It represented manhood, power, respect and well it just felt damn good knowing you were “packing heat”.

Growing up, I had my share of toy guns. They were nothing fancy but still each was treasured. When they broke, I attempted all means to repair them. We weren’t rich enough to buy new toys very often, so each one had to last like well … forever. Rubber bands glue, tape, string, the odd paperclip .. these were my tools. I think I was pretty good at it.

Watch that crack!

It’s one of the quaint quirks of my childhood…

Someone … I think it was the Grandmother … once told me that it’s bad luck to step on a pavement crack. I can’t recall the rationalisation. Maybe it has to do with karma. And it always better luck to cross the crack with your right leg first rather than the left – something about wishes coming true if you do.

Yes, yes I know none of this makes any sense but there you are … dusty folklore handed down through the generations was not something to be trifled with.

So there I was as a little kid … believing just about anything I was told (hey it was the 60s – we respected elders back then – no questions asked) always walking with my head down looking out for cracks in the pavement, adjusting the pace so I’ll cross it with the right foot. It must have been a strange sight indeed.

I’m not that conscious about it now but when I do happen to spy a pavement crack up ahead, some primordial instinct kicks in, the stride is automatically adjusted and it’s still right leg first.

Hey why tempt fate! Did any of the wishes some true … come to think of it they all did … because the only wish at the time was crossing with my right leg first!!

Glossary – What it all means …

TOH = The Other Half

WTF = What the Fuck!